Insecurities

There is no space for insecurities as a Step-Mom.
You better pull your big girl pants up STAT!

Sometimes I wonder if I’m the most insecure human out there. I see every flaw, every imperfection magnified in myself ALL the time. I can always see the beauty in others, but very rarely do I see that in myself. Why are we our harshest critics? Insecurities live to steal your happiness!

I see other’s posts on Instagram and Facebook and not counting the over edited, this is me in perfect light, the perfect angle after spending hours perfecting myself, no not those ones! The one’s where people allow you to see the real them, in those moments where you catch someone being real and honest about how they feel about themselves. That’s when I’m reminded I’m not alone, we all feel this way sometimes.

The things we aren’t happy with about ourselves likes to stay at the forefront of our minds. Gained a few pounds over the holidays. Losing baby weight is harder than we thought it would be. It takes money and time to put together fabulous outfits and beautiful hairstyles and let’s face it us Mom’s are usually busy taking care of everyone else and not able to spend that kind of money or time on ourselves.

Scrolling through social media is one sure fire way to bring you down a few notches. People post their best life on there and even though we all know this it still sometimes creeps in. You feel that pull in your stomach that you’ll never be that thin or that pretty or have all those nice things like others do and so begins the demise of whatever shred of self confidence we have.

We need to put an end to this and set a better example for our daughters. We need to see ourselves the way others do. We would never tell a friend that what she’s wearing is ugly or point out to her that she gained a few. We would concentrate on the beautiful parts about her and compliment her. Why can’t we do that with ourselves? If you wouldn’t say it to someone else what gives you the right to say it to yourself?

I’m trying hard to see myself with different eyes. Seeing the good and going easier on myself. I have good things too, and it’s time to start focusing on those parts and stop just seeing the things I don’t like so much. I have two young girls that I’m responsible for raising and if I can’t find it in me to do this for myself then I should at the very least be able to do it for them. They need a good role model who promotes a healthy self image, so they will believe us when we tell them they’re beautiful and not follow it up with no I’m not, or my nose is too big, or my waist keeps growing, or whatever ridiculous thing comes to mind first. You always want better for your children and guess where that starts, with you!

A lot of the struggles I’ve faced since becoming a part of a blended family is due to the lack of confidence I have in myself. Allowing others to have way too much power and say in how I felt. I didn’t believe in myself enough, so the smallest thing would set me off and make me upset.

It took me awhile to feel like I belong here too. It’s a weird feeling at the start. Coming home to kids you’re still getting to know and trying awkwardly to make things feel natural is the least natural thing you can do. It’s still Dad’s house to them and you’re just Dad’s new girlfriend who gets there first to cook things they don’t want to eat, and I get that. It takes time to come around and accept the changes but instead of just letting these little slights roll off my back, I’d let them pile up. Trying never to get upset about anything that’s said or not said, done or not done for fear of upsetting someone. Instead of letting it go, I held on to it and didn’t address it as it happened…. Bad idea!

Part of Mark and his ex having such a good co-parenting relationship meant that they were still close in terms of communication, in terms of including each other in things and in terms of still doing big events all together as a family quite regularly. Now there are good and bad elements to this. Instead of really cutting ties when it happened, they were still unraveling it by the time I entered the picture, 5 years later.

You can imagine when I entered the picture just how much started to change as a result. I wasn’t comfortable on blending this family with her too and that’s how it felt at the beginning. It was crazy to me how much she was still asking Mark for because she could, because it was always what they did. I came from a split the polar opposite of this so my understanding of it was very limited. Add to that the insecurity that comes from any new situation and it was a lot to handle at the beginning.

I tried my best to see the benefits because there were some but the insecure part of me kept screaming this needs to stop. This is my family here now that I’m trying to build with this man and it felt like a whole lot of interference that had nothing to do with the kids. We share the kids, but we don’t share the man! Thankfully Mark understood, but at first it was a bit rough because he’s genuinely just the nicest guy you’ll ever meet, and he didn’t think there was anything wrong with it. It didn’t mean anything other than him just being nice, but he recognized how it would make me feel and as time went on things became more clear cut.

This co-parenting partnership now is a good one, a really good one! She’s even started group texting both Mark and I whenever things need to be communicated which is something I give her major respect for. I know from her point of view this couldn’t have been an easy transition either. Having this new woman around sharing time with your kids, I can imagine there would be insecurities on her end too.

Aren’t insecurities fun!? They really can wreck havoc on your happiness if you let them. I refuse to let that happen so when those old ways come knocking, I don’t answer. They don’t have anything new or relevant to say. I hope you’ll try and do the same. See yourself for the kind, beautiful, intelligent soul you are!

xx Jenn

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